It’s 2019… and nobody can stand themselves.

Guess what we’re all doing next year? Not this shit you have been. Wooo… *slow clap*

Me included, ok? Don’t think I’m sittin’ up here on my fucking high horse, with a piña colada, dishing out advice because I’ve sorted my entire life out. I mean, I’m a genius who’s now spreading the awareness. “Thank you, Sara!” *Applause* You’re welcome pet, please wait until after the show and kindly shut the fuck up.  What’s important here is that it also includes YOU and you learn this. Yes, you reading this and everybody around you. We’re all pathetic together.

As many of you are aware, I’ve become quite the cynic and sceptic of love and relationships lately. It’s been fun for me, I confidently tell most awful men I come across to go fuck themselves and I get a weird sense of joy out of that. Mum will tell me I’m alone because I have a potty mouth but I’m quite confident it’s because I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT AND I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING ELSE. Get that branded on a t-shirt and walk through Coogee Pavillion – screams ‘piss off meatheads.’ Not mine, just strictly Pimms jugs for you tonight, mate.

So you can imagine the elation I felt when I turned on Netflix on Christmas Day and watched Daniel Sloss’ standup comedy special ‘Jigsaw.’ It was like somebody of my generation, who is also brilliant like me *self praise will get you no-where* had walked around in my head, took everything I’ve been thinking about relationships in the past year and broadcasted it to the masses for me. He’s also hilarious and Scottish – so what’s not to love? I froth over people that devastatingly intelligent. Minds like his excite me. Now it would be easier for you to not read this post and go watch that special yourself, but because you love me and support my blog YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING DO BOTH! Thnx bby.

We are all distracted. Now it could be slightly less destructive distractions like work or you’re me and constantly buying shit. You could be one of the Instagram addicted, uploading 50 stories a day, desperately watching to see when you’re getting the next notification because you are nothing without that validation – you know who you are. But the worst and most common distraction I see in our generation is jumping into relationships. Being so afraid of being alone with yourself and so incapable of enjoying your own company and loving yourself, that you have to have someone around to do it for you. I’ve been there. I’ve stayed with people because I thought being alone meant something was wrong with me. Now I love being by myself! I sleep diagonally in a queen bed, my list on Netflix isn’t full of your shit and nobody is drinking my fucking almond milk! It’s brilliant. But EVERY SINGLE THING including a new relationship is at our fingertips by the press of a touchscreen (yeah you don’t even have to press buttons anymore, just tap the glass and your wish is granted.) Very few people of the last two generations have actually taken the necessary years to learn how to love themselves and figure out exactly who they are. I think its fair to say that once you hit 30, you’ve pretty much become who you’re going to be for the rest of your life. You can adapt and change as you wish but how you view yourself and the beliefs you have are pretty set in stone by that point. 30 years to be selfish and live for yourself before you settle down and spend 50+ years being selfless and sharing your life with someone else if that’s the direction you wish to take. That’s a fair trade and one you need to make. One of my favourite quotes – and forgive me, I will quote him quite a bit here – from Daniel Sloss’ show is this:

“My generation has become so obsessed with starting the rest of their lives, that they are willing to give up the one they are currently living. We have romanticised the idea of romance and it is cancerous. People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with.” – Daniel Sloss ‘Jigsaw.’

I’ll even back up this quote and everything I’ve just said with the perfect real-life example. I and one of my best friends of almost 5 years have had a massive falling out. We no longer speak. He had just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a girl I pretty much talked him into leaving. No, I don’t enjoy watching the world burn, he just spent 12 months going on and on about how she’s not the one, he’s unhappy blah blah blah, he needed a push. Ta-da! Don’t feel sorry for her by the way. But since I’ve known him, he’s had this dream of moving to Canada. He’s always bitching he’s got no money but he has a decent job, a property that’s easily doubled in value since he bought it, he just drinks and gambles too much like every other young idiot Australian male. So he finally leaves this girl, he’s in the perfect life position to go. He should put his head down and put money away so he can go to Canada and get that job I know he capable of crushing. Like most of us, he is not programmed to work on himself. To love himself enough. To know what’s best for his own life. To work on his own “Jigsaw” as Daniel so eloquently put. What does he do instead? Finds temporary satisfaction that is actually a distraction. Flushes that dream down the toilet and finds a new piece to fill the ‘happiness’ portion of his Jigsaw in the form of a platinum blonde stand in. If I could name names, I would. Hers has very white trash spelling, it brings a smile to my face. He couldn’t even step back and take a deep breath before he jumped into a new relationship with somebody who doesn’t even deserve him because he’s so terrified of being alone. Instead of putting in the love and effort to find happiness in something for himself, that will last, he forces himself to love anyone willing to put up with his shit and relentlessly jams them into his Jigsaw when they clearly don’t fucking fit. He, like so many of us out there, are conditioned to be this way. Society has told us that we are nothing unless we have someone. It’s when we get to that certain age, we fucking panic and will settle down with whoever has just happened to come along at that time because without them we are supposedly too old to be alone. We are, according to them, “lonely.” Guess how many times I’m asked: “So have you got a new man?” No, Linda, I’m a brilliant one-woman show, fuck off.

Him, a few years from now, 35 years old looking at his Jigsaw.

If you’re not represented in the scenario above, *high five* but hold tight, I’m not finished…

“I am not saying it’s impossible to find love. All I’m saying is that statistically… You have not.” – Daniel Sloss ‘Jigsaw.’

Another favourite bit about Daniel’s show is how many times he repeats that there are 7.5 billion people in the world. This literally made me beam. My well-intentioned friends, who despite how much they love me and want the best for me, still give me quite a lot of shit about the fact I maintain contact with numerous people around the world. I even use my various social platforms to meet new people in places I plan to travel to. It’s a way in which I’ve made both life-long friends and romantic connections in the past. When it comes to dating, I’m not even remotely interested in anybody in my immediate vicinity.  I already know those people. I grew up with them or people just like them. I’m interested in everyone else I haven’t met yet. I mean this in the most genuine and not at all condescending tone, but it is really only the people who have travelled abroad that can truly grasp just how BIG this world is and how many people are in it. I’ve travelled to parts of Europe, I travelled to the UK and the States – I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt, that there are beautiful, funny, intelligent men who know how to treat a woman so well, that men from where I live don’t even hold a fucking candle to them. So when I have that information, why would I waste my time fishing in this pond? There’s a lot of other fucking ponds. A bit of effort and you’ve got yourself a whole new and very exciting roster. And you don’t have to look internationally, just start with a new city! Cut your useless second string Quarterback hun, you’ve suddenly got six Heisman contenders waiting on you. In addition to that, they can’t fuck you and then fuck you over. You automatically weed those assholes out of the way because only those truly interested in your personality through the conversations you have and what you’ve got to say are then worth meeting and spending your precious time with. 9 times out 10 the men who are meant to stay in your life – will, without you having to do much. That vs the fact girls can’t get a text back from some Kevin they’ve been “hanging out with” – I suddenly don’t feel like I’m the idiot.

“The worst thing you can do with your life is to spend it with the wrong human being. There are 7.5 Billion people on this planet and you found your soulmate 20 miles from where you live? Seems like a bit of a co-inky-dink to me!” – Daniel Sloss ‘Jigsaw.’

Not to say that your soulmate hasn’t been living across town this entire time, but PROBABLY FUCKING NOT. I guess what Daniel and I are both getting across is that why just “pick someone.” Why settle for just… whatever? Why wouldn’t you get out there and try all kinds of flavours that are available to you, before you decide that small town vanilla is your favourite? You can’t possibly know that yet. Irish cream tastes really good – That’s not what I meant and you know it. American Honey? Delicious. Tasmanian Tangelo? Fresh. You don’t know what other flavours you might like until you taste them. I’m currently finding out how well England pairs with Australia. Excellent combination – two scoops of that, please. No sprinkles of distraction necessary.

Daniel then ends the show with something I found rather confronting. I do however feel the need to reiterate that this is a comedy special and despite the serious undertone, it is very funny and I implore everybody to watch it. He ends the show talking about how he’s aware there will be a lot of older people in the audience, listening to a 26-year-old talk about his opinions on love and relationships, thinking that he’s so young and naive. They would offer their advice, that since meeting their partner, it has been a journey and it has been work, but they got through it, it’s worth it, they love each other and “look at us now, one day you will find it, you will find true love.” His response is this:

“If that’s you, if that’s how you feel, I hope you’re right. I really do. I want to be a Husband and Dad more than anything in the world. ‘Cause I guess if you’re not right… I guess if you’re wrong. The only other alternative is that when you were my age, you were so terrified of being alone you forced yourself to love someone.” – Daniel Sloss ‘Jigsaw.’

I’m quite superstitious about where I am and who I’m with when the clock ticks over into a New Year. I know people think it’s ridiculous to place too much emphasis on New Year’s Eve, but I do. I don’t need to be at a party having a wild night, but I do want to be in a happy state of mind, surrounded by the right people. I think last year in Nashville I was exactly where I needed to be and this year I can say the same. I won’t have all my girlfriends by my side when the clock strikes 12, but I will have some of them and we will be filled with a lot of Champagne. I always shed a tear when the fireworks go off, the feeling of a fresh start washes over me and it’s always exciting. I start every year with the best of intentions – we all do. But one of my best friends in the world who is so incredibly bright and gorgeous mentioned something I’ll never forget. She didn’t want to have a New Year’s party where we all made resolutions we’d never keep, she wanted to have a party to celebrate everything we had already achieved. To take the time to appreciate our growth in that year and how far you come in a short space of time. I thought about that and I’ve grown immensely in 12 months. There’s a lot of achievements I could celebrate. However, I think one of my biggest wins of 2018 was not falling in love and therefore not having my heart broken. Some might say given the nature of this post that perhaps the time away from dating has seriously soured my outlook on love but I’d very much argue the opposite. I’m more aware and enlightened than ever on how I go about meeting people and falling in love. Out of everybody I know, if anyone is actually capable of finding someone that will love them and make them happy for the rest of their lives, it’s me. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic though it doesn’t fucking seem like it. I want to be a Wife but I would rather be alone, then force myself to be in a relationship that is mediocre. I guess my husband can read this one day with love in his heart, and a great sense of pride that his wife undoubtedly, unconditionally and irrevocably is in love with him because clearly, I don’t fall easily anymore. I used to, that’s how I got here. That’s how you got here. That’s why you’re reading this right now with a lump in your throat and the sickening feeling in your stomach that you may not actually be as happy as you thought.

I love the idea of celebrating achievements instead of hollow resolutions. So guess what we’re all doing in 2019? We’re all breaking up. We’re going to force ourselves to be alone and be ok. We’re not going live our lives fake-happy on Instagram, buy shit we don’t need and keep dating people we don’t love. We’re piecing back together our own Jigsaw again full of the things that make us, and only us happy. We’re trying all of the flavours and before committing to a favourite flavour, we’re gathering enough information about what we truly do and do not like. We’re not staying with someone because it’s easier than breaking up. We’re focusing on our health, our hobbies, our career, our friends. We’re not hanging around waiting for someone to ask us on a date. We’re not measuring the success of our lives based on whether or not we’re in a relationship anymore. We’re not feeling put down when asked if we’re seeing someone, we’re smiling and saying “when I’m ready” We’re all going to have something to be proud of and celebrate this time next year – ourselves.

By 2020, a new decade, you’re not only going to be able to tolerate yourself again but you’ll also be so utterly and insanely happy with who you are, that only someone who goes above and beyond can make you feel more special than you already do.

You deserve absolutely nothing less.




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