Life

Diary of a Clown.

The final chapter of Mr Somebody New, Frank.

“What exactly have you heard?”
“That he had some girl come all the way from Aus and he basically fucked it off.”

If I had to pinpoint the exact moment all the oxygen left the room, this was it. For weeks I had been wondering what was going on in that man’s head. When not even 24 hours before disappearing he was telling me that he was certain he found the one. “Marry me,” he said. “Be my wife” he said. “I promise I’ll take care of you,” he said. “I made an honest woman out of you and we lived a very happy life,” he said, talking about our future. “I can’t wait to wake up next to you every day,” he said.

I’d walked into bars, hoping he’d miraculously be there. What a mug. I turned to Tinder, thinking maybe I’ll see him there. Maybe he’s had a freakout. No… he wasn’t panicking. Because I didn’t find Frank on Tinder, but who I did find was a very handsome mate of his. Shall we call him hmmm… Hero? Fitting, since he saved me from more wasted time wondering what the hell happened to Frank as he updated me with all the latest goss.

26, really bright guy, tattoos across his chest and down his arm. Hello handsome. We’re chatting and having a laugh, got plenty in common, he’s proud of me for becoming a Saints FC fan, he’s cheeky as fuck and the banter is brilliant. What could go wrong? Frank has fucked off so I’m thinking I can’t wait to go out and have a drink with this guy!
“You on insta?” Hero asked.
“Yeah, what’s your name I’ll find you.” I sent back.
As I find Hero’s page and hit the follow button, up comes “Followed by Frank.”
Alarm bells.
“Please tell me ‘followed by Frank’ doesn’t actually mean you’re mates with Frank.”
“Frank is one of my old school friends! How do you know him? He’s also dating one of my ex-girlfriends now.”

I’M SORRY, REPEAT THAT LAST BIT FOR ME?

I think it became clear to Hero very quickly he had to be careful what he said after that. But credit to him, he was honest as he needed to be with me without dragging Frank through the mud. He could have easily talked shit, trying to win me over but he didn’t. He was as neutral as Switzerland. “Omg, I’ve actually heard about this! What a small world.” Oh great… it’s just common knowledge between these group of boys that I’m an idiot? Love that for me. Bless his cotton socks though, he really tried to soften the blow. “I genuinely don’t believe it’s been that long, I only heard about it last week” Hero added referencing Frank’s fresh new relationship.

You know who only ever wanted me? You know who would never do this to me? Ugh, I cringe thinking about what I wrote in my previous blog, Frank. We’re talking about a man who’s picture is still the lock screen on my phone. We’re talking about a man who had spent months pursuing me, who I know pretty intimately, who I thought was doing everything in his power to assure me this was going to work out. We’re talking about a man, I only just weeks ago, admitted to all of you I was in love with. So forgive me if feeling like Frank having a girlfriend was earth-shattering news. Well, I don’t know if she’s his girlfriend or not but it’s irrelevant. Immediately my mind started racing. How? Why? When? For how long? When did he start pursuing this? I’m trying to piece together a timeline in my head. I did this for about 10 minutes. You know that thing you do when you get really upset and insecure and you start asking yourself What has she got that I haven’t? After 10 minutes I realised she hasn’t got anything I haven’t got, because I’m a fucking legend. LOL. Ask every man I’ve ever dated. Ok, I’ll admit I did start frantically trying to work out who she was, but then I was like well… that’s not going to be any good for you so stop. Still, I have no idea who she is and I no longer care. But what I did start to wonder was this; does she know him? Not his name or where he went to school or who his mates are. I mean, does she know him. Does she know how intelligent he actually is but he never likes to show it too much? Can she identify when he’s really down and withdrawn and spent too much time in his own head? Does she know how to pull him out of that? What he responds to? Does she know his use of humour and rush to sweep things under the rug is a defence mechanism for his complete inability to deal with anything difficult? Does she know he has an obsession with a very specific sexual kink that should she ever perform would be kind of dangerous for her? Is she down for that? Does she have his back? This is why the timeline became important to me. If they had been hanging out for 2 weeks, none of this mattered yet. 2 months? If that were the case, I did wonder how he could have met anyone who knew how to handle him better than me. After a bottle of gin and the night spent crying and overthinking, I decided matter-of-factly none of this fucking mattered. None of this did me any good. We survived many things, but we weren’t going to survive this. He’d made his choice, hurt me immensely in the process and handled it in the most cowardly and careless way imaginable. I mean, to just block me, disappear and leave me to find out via his mate on TINDER for fuck sake. That’s just not the man I know.

At the end of the day, Frank will be the one who has to find ways to explain it to himself so that he sleeps well at night. When he turns off the light, puts his phone on charge, in those moments he lays there awake, the other side of his bed empty, Frank has to be ok with the decisions he has made. He can lie to me, lie to the woman he’s dating and lie to his mates. He can pretend we were never as involved as we actually were and the plans that he had made for us together didn’t exist. I do feel humiliated. He has certainly made me look like a clown. I’ve no doubt his mates have a giggle about this in their group chat. After all, Hero was quick to point out how he had heard all about it. It’s all so funny how Frank ghosted this Australian girl who fell for him. Haha what an idiot she is. But ultimately what hurts me the most, isn’t any of that, it’s the fact Frank is actually lying to himself. He can put on this facade that none of this matters to him, but I know it does. He’s hurt. They say actions speak louder than words and I live by that. However one’s actions aren’t always a true reflection of their emotions, they are a deflection and he is playing the part very well. There is a void in that man’s life that he is desperate to fill but the problem is he isn’t aware what caused that void, nor does he know how to fix it. It’s still there, but he will never be able to say that I wasn’t there for him to lean on, open up to and love him in spite of all his challenges.  I’m not worried about me, I’ve had my cry over a few gins and now I’ll get on with it and shake this off like water off a duck’s back. But I am worried about him. You may be sitting there reading this thinking after he did that to you and behaved that way, really? You still care? And to answer your question, yes. I do. I have no regrets about the way I wrote about Frank in my previous post. I don’t regret sharing him and this ongoing soap opera he has made my life become with you. I still want the best for him, I still want him to be truly happy and unapologetically himself with someone who is strong enough to withstand his storms and the days he is a lot to handle, to see he is as funny, cheeky, passionate and kind as they come. Though his recent actions may prove otherwise to you, I know deep down Frank meant every word he ever said in regards to how he felt about me and what he wanted for us. I won’t ever make excuses for him, I’ll be the first to point out that he’s got some growing up to do, but he is still the same man who told me he loved me. Many times drunk, many times sober. Still the same man who’d call a thousand times while I was working just to tell me he wanted to hear my voice. Still the same man who always made me laugh. Still the same man who gave me butterflies. I know he cares deeply about me as a human being and I know he had high hopes, just as I did, for us. Unfortunately, it became all too much and sometimes, even the greatest athletes, no matter how hard they try, collapse just before the finish line. Frank collapsed. He chose someone close, here and now over the woman he had spent months pursuing and falling for. And that’s absolutely ok. That’s not to say he won’t love her too. I wholeheartedly hope he does. He has so much to give. Frank is not the first to start strong, only to then fall lame mid-race and he won’t be the last. As I’ve always said, eventually, as you keep meeting Mr Somebody New, one of them actually steps up to the plate. He IS the man he kept telling you he always was. Good men do exist, I just met one! Hero is fun, witty, kind and so handsome. Oh fuck me is he handsome. That body and those tattoos…*cough* not the point. Unfortunately, he just happened to be Frank’s friend and while Frank may have disregarded how I feel, I have not done the same in return. Hero and I might have been a great match had I met him first, but I didn’t and I couldn’t do that to Frank. There will be another.

So this is me putting it to bed. That’s what you just have to do; wake up daily and make the choice to move on. Not post sexy photos of yourself all over social media trying to get his attention. Not posting passive-aggressive quotes in the hope it’ll register in his brain, it won’t. It won’t hit him now. It may not even hit him in the coming months. But I know Frank. Better than he thinks I do and better than I think he even knows himself. It’ll be when it’s late at night and he’s lonely. He’s his most vulnerable and emotional when he’s had a bit to drink and will wonder what happened to me. What is she up to now? And as he scrolls through my Twitter and Instagram, catching the highlights of what I’ve been doing in his absence, it will hit him then. That’s the moment he’ll know he made a mistake. And that feeling of ‘What if’ will stay with him. What if I had stuck it out? What if she had landed and I was there for her? What if I had held her in my arms after all that time, where would we be now? Every time he hears an Australian accent. Every time he needs someone to talk to. Every time he rolls over and wishes someone was there. He’ll think of me. Frank had someone he knew was sexy and fun; someone he could be himself with and above all else someone who had his back no matter what and loved him – and he gave that up. So we close the book. We get on with our lives, have fun living it. And when you don’t expect to, find Mr Somebody New.

Batter up, boys! I’ve cleared the roster and I’m ready.

 

Facetune_12-10-2019-09-11-34
Still smiling. Still beating up boys on the mats! 😉

Author’s Note:

I just wanted to give a big shoutout to everyone following and reading this blog. Even the ones who have reached me on social media. I never thought this blog would become anything and yet here we are. People tell me all the time that I’m “brave” for being so vulnerable and sharing all of this with you, but to be honest, if we can’t have a laugh at our own misfortune and life drama as we learn the lessons, then what’s the point? What makes it all worth it is when you guys reach out to me and share your similar experiences and own stories. Frank has obviously inspired a great deal of my writing over the past 6 months because he captivated me in a way many men simply can’t. But that’s ok. As we kiss him Goodbye, I promise I remain inspired by so many other things going on in my life. More posts to come on travel, style and as always, heart open life posts. I am also in the middle of writing my first novel, that I will release in 2020. I can’t say too much about it yet, but it’s something else to look forward to! With love, warmth and so much appreciation – Sara xo.

 

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