A quarantine lesson named ‘Ed’ and why post-apocalyptic dating should be a very exclusive roster.
Want to hear a really funny joke? Dating in isolation. HA. Jesus Christ, since COVID-19 blew in, it’s been one thing after the other. Would I much rather show off these sexy, tanned pins in a hot dress and heels and be out there sipping tequila cocktails in a nice bar? Or sinking beers, seeing our favourite bands play live music and having a grand old time with these men in the flesh? Of course I would. But even in lockdown, if there’s one thing my dating life is NOT, it’s boring. How? Well, there’s a lot of phone sex going on right now first of all. Buzz Nightgear has certainly had a workout. (Ok, I can’t even take credit for that, that was all Paul and I know he’s grinning like an idiot reading this right now. What else was it Paul? Adolf Clitler? I died laughing.) ANYWAY, this is the nature of isolation socialising. We talk on the phone, about anything and everything in our lives and then hear/watch each other cum. Obviously a very natural progression. *sarcasm* BUT ITS HAPPENING and I’m not really mad at it. My best friend met some Policeman from Chippenham and they are just so in love and haven’t even met up yet. I think the night they’re set loose after lockdown, she will conceive their first child, it’s that intense.
I, on the other hand, had taken a more casual approach. I’ll get into my current up-to-date dating status a little later, but first, allow me to take you back a little bit and introduce to you ‘Ed.’ My first “Quarantine Situation-Ship” wasn’t even my doing. But when you put your Instagram handle in your Tinder bio, I guess you should expect that lots of men are going to follow you and every now and then one of them is going to actually talk to you and not be boring. (NB: I started writing this as it was happening, posting of this blog occurred WEEKS after the fact.)
So, I sat up and paid attention. He was kind and funny and awkward which I found very endearing. And he didn’t even flinch at my sarcastic one-liners, he told me I was funny. Intriguing. When I met Ed, I realized maybe I was actually ready. Seriously, this time. I’ve been saying it for a while but I think I kind of balked at the idea of a relationship before him and he woke me up. The whole thing was just too funny though. I was very casually seeing someone else, who’s mother was a fucking nightmare and one day I’m secretly talking to Ed on Instagram about them, laughing about the situation that I found myself in. But even before then, I have definitely held myself back and I think I sabotaged relationships instead of seeing them through. I suppose that was Ed’s purpose in my life, as short-lived as it was (I’ll explain in a bit), to show me that with the right man, it is easy. It’s supposed to be fun and effortless. You’re supposed to laugh and have conversations that last hours, late into the night and be obsessed and in awe of each other. They’re supposed to think you’re brilliant and get excited by you. They’re supposed to worry about you and care for you. I missed that feeling, maybe that’s why I was so surprised by how much it hurt when it stopped. It shouldn’t have hurt, it should have just been like water off a duck’s back. I like to think I’m a very confident, resilient person and things like boys ghosting me don’t bother me, ever. I’ve had my favourite candy in my fridge last longer than the time Ed and I spent talking, but it was just such a nice reminder of the way it is supposed to feel like – minus the way it went down in flames, of course. You know, the part where he riled me up and made me think he was genuinely all in and then bolted very suddenly. Yeah, that part was not fun. That part ended in tears. You know the part where he asks you to “wait through the partial end of the world for me because you’re perfect” but then he gives you the “sorry, I just have a lot of shit going on right now” speech but is definitely STILL finding women on Tinder and adding their Instagram. I wonder if they got the same speech? I mean, to be fair, it must have been a really difficult time for him. The embarrassing 6-minute rambling voice note I left about how whatever it was he was dealing with, I’d be there to help him through it, clearly didn’t stack up against the loving, emotional support Tinder was providing. I genuinely meant it too! I was so worried about him at the time, it kept me awake at night! Ugh and this is what really makes my skin crawl! You know when you send a message and you now regret it because you realise you sound so pathetic? Here it goes, ready? I said “I feel like you’d always take care of me. That’d you’d protect me and I’d be safe with you.” *Vomit* DOESN’T THAT JUST MAKE YOU WANT TO CURL UP AND DIE?! What. An. Idiot. I even said it with so much certainty, that was legitimately how I felt. Ugh, I hate myself. He did the EXACT opposite. Almost can’t blame him for bolting but I am mostly mad at myself for the way I straight up got PLAYED. I can’t even watch his Instagram stories now. He’s posted several that, shall we say, were very Australian themed and I don’t know how many Aussies he’s touch with on a daily basis but like, fuck me – salt meet wound. At least we can laugh about it now… right? RIGHT?! Don’t stress guys, I know I stumbled for a minute and let the sisterhood of single women down, but I’m back to being a legend who doesn’t get soft over men. The quick-witted savage I truly am at heart has returned and the boys lighting up my DMs these days are SQUIRMING and I am living for it! Every time I’m disappointed by a man I really like, my walls just get higher and higher and that’s not even a sad little metaphor. I quite literally see myself sitting on top of a 15-ft brick wall, holding a megaphone yelling “Jump little men! You don’t stand a chance now!” HAHA *cries into a pillow.* Love how I started this paragraph with “Yeah I’m so ready for a relationship” and ended it with “FUCK ALL OF YOU.” That’s called growth, honey. The glow-up on this girl is sensational. We Stan.
What have I always told you? For as long as this blog has existed my message about dating has stayed consistent – There is always a Mr (or Mrs) Somebody New. If your heart is ready and it is open, you will keep meeting new people. Whether you find them or they find you, there’s always a new someone around the corner waiting to be a fling or a friend, a heartache or new love. Unless you wish to be on your own and are going through a growing development period, you are allowed to keep cycling through. It hurts, I know. I am right there with you. Why do they go out of their way to make you feel special and excited, only to extinguish the very spark they put so much effort into lighting? At some point though, moving on is a choice. You have to say “OK I’m disappointed but that’s enough now.” Once you make the decision, you just let go and remain cautiously open to the next one. Meeting men has never been my problem, without sounding like a massive tool, I apologise. Meeting men who capture me and stop me dead in my tracks, though? That is what’s rare. In the words of Chris D’Elia, “You’re not special. You’re not the Man on Fire” and I don’t know about you, but that’s how most men approach me – like they’re fucking Denzel Washington and I am bored. But for every tosser with a Mum named Karen that you date, you’re closer to looking back and laughing about it with a really nice guy like Ed… at least an Ed who actually sticks around. Remember Pete? This is going a while back now, a few dating debacle blogs ago, but remember I chose Burg? Awwww, bless. Should have picked Pete.
So this whole Ed thing had me obviously upset, I won’t deny that I was really hurt for a couple of days. But what it also did, was spur some inspiration to write about how dating and meeting people will change after the COVID-19 lockdown and restrictions have been lifted and we can all lick each other’s faces again. Because I now feel differently about meeting people, I wondered if others did too. So I ran a poll on my Instagram in which 87 people voted. I asked if lockdown had either made you feel lonely and crave a meaningful relationship, or if it had made you stir crazy and just ready to fuck around. The largest age demographic that voted was between 24 – 34 and so not surprisingly 57% voted for being ready to fuck around. However, what WAS surprising, was the close margin and 43% of the 87 votes longing for a meaningful relationship. Furthermore, what I loved seeing the most, was that this 43% was largely made up of young, single men. (And no, they are not just trying to smash. You know what to do, slide into my DMs ladies, Aunty Sara will hook you up.) Of the 43% that voted for a relationship, several went even further to message me and explain why they voted this way. Some said that the time spent being isolated made them wish they had someone there for human love and connection. That the reality of the situation made them feel extremely anxious and having to go through it somewhat alone was not what they expected to feel when this global pandemic began. Others said they just wish to be more selective with who they now spend their time with because you just don’t know who others have come into contact with or where they have been.
That last bit really got me thinking, how much COVID will play into dating. That hot guy you met at the show? Are you going to take him home? Are you even going to kiss him? I’m a very spontaneous, in the moment kind of person so I can’t personally see myself being too uptight about it but I know that I will definitely think twice about who I’m letting into my personal space and getting intimate with. I sat on the fence for the poll. This lockdown has definitely made me stir crazy and I am certainly ready to get down and dirty. I’m talking nasty, rough, throw me against the wall, leave a handprint on my ass F-U-C-K-I-N-G but like… with one guy. HAHA you know what I’m saying? I want a week-long fuck-a-thon, Gatorade and protein bars kept by the bed – BUT with one guy. My guy. I definitely want my one person. I normally would NEVER be anything less than supportive of anyone who chose to be single and play the field. It’s absolutely your right as someone young, full of life and unattached to GET. IT. ON with as many people as you wish and find out what your favourite flavour is. Now though? I’m kind of like yikes… does global pandemic mean anything to you guys? I wonder if now we’ll take a leaf out of Quarantinder’s playbook and actually spend the time getting to know someone a little bit first before we jump into bed with each other. I’m not saying you can’t meet up face to face and date, maybe just don’t put your tongues in each other’s mouths yet. Maybe sort out what it is you’re looking for and select the ones of particular interest and move forward from there. If not to protect your health, then to protect your heart. Not every Tinder match is a genuine option. Also, if anything, the Ed debacle made we want to be even more selective than I already am for different reasons (because we know how hard it is for me to genuinely like anybody – I’ve said it a million times before.) But here is a man, who is a good man, by the way, I’m not worried about him doing anything like what I’m about to say suggests. The fact still remains though, he now knows very intimate details about me, very personal information and has some very intimate photos of me. He just walks around with all of that in his pocket now and even though he was once someone I was very much into; someone I really cared about and wanted to be in a relationship with, he is now a complete stranger to me. London is a big city, so let’s be honest, I’m probably never going to see him again and yet he knows this very intimate side of me and that makes me think… how many people actually deserve to know that side of me?
The argument is pretty strong, to start being very selective with who we are letting into our lives, not that I’m not already very selective, but I’m really doubling down on it now. I want you to ask yourself, 6 months from now (hopefully sooner) when this has all blown over and we’re allowed to go out, kiss and be with each other again, who is it you want to see first? I’m not talking about friends or family, I’m talking about the one you’ve kept your eye on. Sure, you could have voted with the 57%, but let’s be honest… there’s always one. Who are they? Who’s the someone you wish was in isolation with you right now, cuddled up with you to watch all those Netflix shows you’ve been watching alone? Maybe it’s something to try. Unless you’re genuinely happy on your own right now and yes, I’ve been there. Unless that’s the case, then think of them and let’s pursue them. What about them makes them your 6 months from now person? For me? I’m going to be very selective about that person. Nobody else is getting my attention and the one who currently is? Well… we’ll see what happens. For all we know we could be back here a month later with another edition of ‘How to Fuck Up Constantly’ written by yours truly. But having my attention and affection is now a very exclusive club. No talking to someone just for the hell of it. Just honesty and genuine conversation between two people who really want to be here and maybe see something happen. For now, all I can say is he’s really sweet and I know he’s always going to be down to see a gig with me and have a good time. For now, that’s enough. It’s ours. And I’ll enjoy the little bubble we’re in for the moment, whether it lasts post-COVID or not.