Reflections, intentions and breathing life back into Noir et Blanc – Welcome Back!

I am alive, so please take a deep breath. The desperate longing in your soul, the void you tried to fill with several other vices, need not hurt anymore. I have returned. Ok, I’m kidding, you managed fine without me and probably forgot all about this blog. However, I hope that when the email notification arrived to your inbox to say the dead has awakened, your heart leapt a little and you came straight here. Hi baby. How are you? You’ve had a big year? A long year? Me too. I missed you.

Year number three into this pandemic and I’m just fucking over it. Aren’t you? I am so sick hearing about it, I am so sick of wearing masks, I am so sick restrictions and our freedom being conditional. I just want to be back in bars, maskless, kissing strangers, going to concerts, singing at the top of our lungs, dancing, flying overseas without the quarantine upon return – it’s all gone on for far too long now. Australia seems so far behind everyone else and I just want to get out of here.

So I think it’s safe to assume I am not the only one who has found it difficult to feel inspired to write. The past few years have rushed by me in a blur. A string of days just trying to survive. Just trying to get through it, with not much to look forward to, nowhere to get away from it all – just one foot in front of the other. Up, work, home, sleep. Up, work, home, sleep and the rare, fleeting moments of joy and escape we may have found in between. From a good book, to Zoom quiz night with friends, to margaritas on the back patio with the select one or two visitors we were allowed to invite into our homes. I suppose, if anything, it has taught me to really appreciate the small things. In the midst of a raging storm, we still took care of each other.

I laugh because with that being said, 2021 was still a pretty transformative year for me, in terms of who I allow be in my circle. Despite having not gone anywhere and not having any shiny Instagram moments worthy of capturing and sharing with the world; gritty personal developments were made and that’s the kind of dirty talk we like to read about in this format. I cleaned house in 2021, I had enough. I guess with that much time at home to think, I had begun to realise things right in front of me in a new light. *Insert ditzy Kylie Jenner ‘realising things’ meme here.* Everything was put under a microscope. I’ve also had this weird thing occur, where all of a sudden, memories from my childhood would pop into my head. Without warning and not at all knowing exactly what has triggered these memories, just re-living certain events I had clearly suppressed until now. Any OG followers of this blog will know that I am big into psychology and understanding why humans behave the way they do. Good or bad, I spend a great deal of time researching behaviours and have even found myself spending hours reading threads on various forums about very specific scenarios other people have taken the time to document and publish, proving none of us have ever had an original experience. Which I kind of love, no matter what your situation, you’re never alone. I’m going to write another blog and go more in depth about what I’ve learned and how these discoveries affected significant relationships in my life but **spoiler alert** – I no longer have a relationship my father, with my ex best friend (yep, the very one who once contributed to this blog, thank you for your services ma’am) and as you are already aware, with Tom. And every single one of them is a direct result of me spending the time to really pay attention to their behavioural patterns, language they use, how they would interact with me. Knowing what I know now, it’s like a fucking super power. I can’t wait to get into with you, it’s kind of nerdy but also enlightening when you know you can just detach yourself from people – and yes at the time there was frustration and anger and hurt – but ultimately just understanding who they are as human beings who do not have to have a place in your life. I have become this immovable rock of strength. There is an impenetrable resilience you can build within yourself when you are able to read a situation and process it by breaking it down and then finding clear and constructive ways to explain it back to yourself. Wrapped in a neat little parcel, you can say “this is what it is, this is who they are, this is how I feel about it and this is the result.” Some call positively call it self-awareness, some negatively call it self-therapizing, I call it self defence.

So half way through 2021, the flat I once lived in with she who shall not be named – which was the party hub of nightly bong hits and house music until the AM – had been traded in and I upgraded to the solo apartment of a real grownup. I have secured the late 20s/30-something dream – living on one’s own. Allow me to brag, please. It’s a timeline event I will look back on and feel like this is kind of when I started to ‘make it.’ It’s stylish, I have a view, a walk in closet, a bathroom of luxe skincare I know no-one is going to use besides me, a hammock on the back patio overlooking my view and a bar cart. Yep, welcome to my calm, organised, stylish abode. It’s my happy place. Candles are always lit. Want a cocktail? There is something so deeply satisfying and soul nourishing about coming home to a space that is all yours. Everything is exactly how you like it, it’s always clean and you always feel relaxed as soon as you walk in. The little girl in me is kind of proud. I make good money, I have nice things, my own place and isn’t that low key half the dream when you’re a kid? In addition to that, after living with flatmates and chaos for well over a decade, the peace I now feel is something I can’t ever give up again. I have moved on from the flatmates phase of my life. Knowing no one can randomly show up, invited by a flatmate; no one is leaving their shit all over the place for you to pick up and the only people you can hear having sex is you and the 22 year old young stud who makes you coffee in the morning. Don’t worry, after the consistent display of my poor judgement that I have freely documented and shared with you all over the years in regards to my love life, I can assure you, it’s harmless fun. No strings. I am in a strict ‘zero commitment’ phase (I’ll explain in another blog.) All this to say, in a year of letting toxic shit go, flourished great opportunity.

In the first six months, I shed this toxicity in my life like snakeskin, said “¡Hasta luego!” and welcomed a new chapter mid year. A new home, a desire to learn Spanish (I’m actually getting really good!) and the cherry on top of the self development Sundae – a promotion at work. I fear, however, I may have girl-bossed a little too close to the sun in retrospect. Perhaps imposter syndrome anyone? It’s a management position with quite a few people under me and a hell of a lot more responsibility but fuck it – it’s also a hell of a lot more money, so I’ll pull up my big girl panties and make it up as I go. It’ll be fine, I’m smart and efficient, I’m not concerned. What does concern me though is how solid my ultimate plans to go overseas remain. I mean, location wise, am I where I want to be? Absolutely not. I actually fucking hate this town. I grew up here and had it not been for the global pandemic, I would have well and truly been gone by now and living a very different life. But I’m not and I have managed to make my current life – despite still residing in my hometown – pretty fucking great. If I could pick up my good job and cute apartment and easily replicate what I currently have in Europe, I absolutely would. Despite the fact I have found the peace and stability that I have craved for so long, to give that up to go travelling overseas is something I absolutely need to do while I am still young, single and have the abundant freedom that I do. At the same time, it kind of sounds absurd! I am so peacefully content right now, that the thought of giving up a good job and this apartment and diving into the unknown is extreme anxiety inducing. Sounds insane, I know because it goes against everything I believe – or at least did. I’ve moved around a lot and lived in different cities. I know I can make it anywhere. But I have finally achieved two out of the three things I always felt I needed to feel happy. The missing one is just too big to ignore – I cannot stay in this town.

I turn 29 in two weeks on the 22nd and I am determined to make the last year of my 20s the year I become explicitly clear on the direction I am headed for the long term. That’s not to say I’ll lock myself into anything without the ability to change my mind. But I want to be able to feel committed to a direction and to building the rest of my life – somewhere in the world. So as always, my New Year’s blogs end on the promise that whatever unfolds this year, I will take you on the journey with me. I mean it this time though, because if there is one thing that I AM committed to, it’s reviving this blog. It’s healthy for me. To write short pieces about my life. It gives me the space to organise how I feel and y’all get to enjoy the chaos.

So my intentions for 2022 are: cementing my space in a place I truly feel happy to call home and begin building the foundations of the rest of my life. Without, of course, the pressure of feeling failure if I don’t. I can’t guarantee its a 12 month only project, but I do intend to make every effort to become clearer on what my long term future looks like this time next year. My other intentions, minor projects in comparison, also include continuing making my health and self-care my priority; saving money for my overseas adventure and putting the effort into nurturing real and lasting friendships with people who love and care the way I do. Lastly, my intention for 2022 is also to commit to Noir et Blanc and to you. I commit to sharing with you and I hope you’ll share with me. You can always reach me on Twitter or Instagram – my icons are below the banner of this page – or comment, or even email via my contact page. Tell me what 2021 taught you? What big things – or little things – happened for you? What’s your intention for 2022?



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